As it is Summer, many of my younger loved ones are off in search of the perfect Summer job (or at least A job). I must admit that I am thrilled to be over that phase of my life. I certainly paid my dues. I will count life a success if I never have to sit behind a secretarial desk and be hit on by middle-aged men ever again. Yuck. However, when I think of my various jobs, one comes to mind as the worst (or at least one of the worst) jobs of my career. The time I was the aid to a sick woman in a nearby neighborhood. Lets call her Cheryl*.
Cheryl was a nice but strange friend of my moms who suffered from (in my opinion, the delusion of) being allergic to electricity and most chemicals and odors. As a result, she rented a home for storage purposes but opted to live on the street outside instead. She was so sick that the government paid to have her taken care of from time to time. As I was "between jobs," I agreed to be her care giver for a couple months. My job was to do her shopping, keep her cooler stocked with ice, wash her clothes and do pretty much whatever else she needed whenever she needed it. And this really meant pretty much anything.
Often I would have to go to Starbucks (located at one of the more trendy and busy places in town) and ask for their day-old pastries. After waiting in line with all the other normals, they would hand me a trash bag full of her loot and send me on my way...looking unbelievably cool. Other times I would have to hang her wet laundry up around her house late at night, aided only by the light of several eerie camping lanterns. This isn't what my Sociology degree prepared me for (really it was for jobs like Walmart and McDonald's....they weren't kidding when they said we would need to go on for more schooling to make any money. D'oh!)?!!
Just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, Cheryl called me up wanting to go house hunting. Off I scuttled while I prayed for an extra dose of charity. I was greeted by my employer with a friendly, "you smell of the the worst possible smell!" Now if that doesn't warm a girls heart, I don't know what does! She insisted that I put on one of her worn and stinky (she didn't use real soap) sweatsuits (Ooh-la-la!) and to top off my complete make-over, she felt it would be best for me to wear a hospital mask. I complied, figuring that at least it would muffle the smell of the soured clothes.
Off we drove. Me in the front looking like a germ-a-phobe with Cheryl laying down in the back seat. As it turned out, Cheryl didn't want just any house, she wanted one in some of the more ritzy parts of town. And as she was "too ill," I was the lucky duck who got to go inside all of the classy real estate offices to ask for any vacancies. Me and my mask. Everywhere we went, people looked at me like I was a loon. Apparently they were all too good for a homeless-looking version of Michael Jackson.
When my shameful morning was over, we headed home. All of that humble pie had put me in a snacking mood and luckily for me, I had a box of Hot Tamales in the door of the car. Working for Cheryl for as long as I had, I knew that she would only lecture me on the evils of sugar, so I decided to slyly sneak them under my dapper mask when she wasn't looking. I reached into the box, grabbed a sweet treat and slowly maneuvered it under my mask. Yum.... Then another and another. The zippy Cinnamon taste was almost enough to fight off her incessant complaining. "Now Malinda, make sure you don't drive under any power lines....."
Everything was going smoothly and I started to get a little more relaxed. Suddenly, after trying to pork down another one, my mask slid off my mouth and up onto my eyes! AUGHHH!!!! How did a good girl like me get caught in something like this?! I couldn't see a thing!!! Looking back, I should have stopped driving, as I was on a busy road. However, at the time I was more afraid of getting another lecture than anything else and so I just kept casually driving while I frantically tried to get my blindfold off! It felt like an eternity, but off it came....and Cheryl was too involved in her one-sided conversation to have even noticed. Sweet victory!
As you can imagine, this dream job did not last much longer after that fateful day. To all of you looking for work this Summer, if you see a crazy lady roaming Pederson Rd. be nice and wave but don't agree to be her Summer slave....unless you enjoy dressing to the nines and working your magic with the crowed at Starbucks.
***I changed her name since I have nothing good to say about working for her....not that she'll ever read this since computers require electricity, an evil commodity to which she is allergic.
8 comments:
Was this as bad as working for the Mrs. Leopard*?
*Name has been changed
That story is too funny. I have had more jobs than I care to think of and yours is the funniest one I have ever heard about. You have a talent for telling on yourself and making everyone laugh.
I remember the time when Aria suckered me into going over there to fill her ice box up with meat. I of course complied since I wanted her hand in marriage. Now Aria's the sucker.
One of the worst nights of my high school years was spent with this woman. My beloved coach had been fired with no warning that afternoon, and even worse than that, Aria(my only friend in the world) was bringing home her fiance from school. I was severely mourning the loss of both people. That night, Mom had me "run an errand" for Cheryl, where I was to pick up some bok choi at the store for her dinner. I ended up spending several hours doing a myriad of household tasks, all done in her dark and empty home. When I was finished, I went to buy her bok choi, which turned into several return trips to the supermarket, as I continuously bought the wrong breed. She finally let me go home, as I broke into uncontrollable sobs after being yelled at just one too many times, tipping over my bucket of grief. At least I came away with a healthy treat.. the pile of unwanted vegetables, bought with my own money, as I was too embarrassed to actually return them as she requested each time. I cannot believe you put up with that an entire summer!
This post left me in tears and uncontrollable laughter. Tommy and I were staying up past midnight reading your recent posts. Then this morning Tommy asked if you had a new post to read today. Even though I've heard most of these stories, I'm always surprised at the details that are new to me. Thanks for sharing all of these deepest, darkest, and most embarrassing moments. Only you could collect such an assortment of whacky life stories. Thanks for the entertainment. :)
...and "Anonymous" at the top.....that comment is almost as funny as the entry.
My house would definitely stay cleaner if we all lived on the street outside. And I wouldn't ever have to put makeup on if I wore a surgical mask. And I might be healthier if I ate bokchoi. And life would be fun if you were my personal assistant. And it would be nice to live closer to the California Osborns. I think this lady is on to something. (And I love going by the name "anonymous.")
Holy cow! I have to agree with you on the DELUSION part... that's pretty funny =)
Hope things are going well!
I got a bunch of friends in the ward to help clean her new home after I explained her severe allergies to dust and mold. A whole crew doing her bidding got her zealous. Soon she had people wiping down the rafters in the unfinished garage. Talk about a waste of time.
Post a Comment