Grandma Vance giving baby Cabe a tasty bottle during his first week home.
When we had Mason, I was only able to nurse him for four months. We realized that his nursing was most likely leaching too much calcium from my already brittle bones and was probably why I broke my back. He didn't mind the switch and quickly grew plump on formula. Charlie lasted a little longer until little McCabe came along and dried up my milk supply at six months. Again, he took to formula like a champ and welcomed the calories! Apparently he was sick of starving. Last week I hurt my back again and the pain became reminiscent of what I felt after having Mason. For that reason, James and I decided that it would be best to stop nursing McCabe now before it hurt me too much. As much as I believe in breast milk, I think it is more important that I can hold my babies.
To be honest, I didn't mind the thought of switching to formula too much. In my experience, after I stop breastfeeding, I finally feel like me again and that is a nice feeling to have! Yesterday, however, it hit me that not only would I stop breastfeeding McCabe, but that it would also be the last time that I would ever breastfeed. Suddenly it really bothered me. It was the first of the lasts. The first time I experienced "the last time I will ever..." in regards to motherhood.
When we had little McCabe, my uterus was so thin that my doctor strongly encouraged us not to have another baby. Over the last two months, his advice slowly sunk in. No more pregnancies. No more c-sections. No more little versions of James. No more chances at having a little version of me. No more babies.
I know that I am already so blessed to have been able to have had three healthy and happy boys but I still feel robbed. Thankfully, there is a chance that someday our family might get the opportunity to adopt and that hope helps me and James feel much better. If that ever happens, that little one would be just as much ours as the three boys that we were physically able to bring into this world. However, since that chance is still unknown, right now I still feel the reality of my babies growing up and it makes my heart hurt. But to everything there is a season and I know that life just keeps getting better and better. Now on to the season of formula feeding where McCabe instantly is able to sleep through the night (12 hours. There are aspects of formula that I adore) and I get to welcome back me.
3 comments:
Aw, Malinda, this got me teary-eyed. Transitioning off of nursing is a bit of an adjustment, but to know that this could be the last time is just crazy to think about. I still think there will be more little Siegs in your future, but no matter what, know that you have some of the CUTEST boys on this planet. I can't get enough of them. And you guys are some of the best parents - so fun, creative, and calm no matter the circumstances.
this made me teary too. i can't imagine the feeling, knowing that you won't be having anymore of your own children. and yet, i know too that more children are in your future. there are some lucky kids just waiting to join your family. im jealous!
You are an amazing momma. I always imagined you with a brood of sons. I can't imagine the feeling that it's the last you'll bear, ever. Good luck with the transition of postpartum and the beginning of the "lasts."
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